Round and Round

Wow, I thought I would have some down time in December.... I was wrong!
I can't believe we are only 7 days away from Christmas! Maybe things will slow down for me the 2nd half of the month. My fingers will be crossed in spirit (because they will actually be busy doing other things, i.e. wrapping Christmas gifts, cooking and blogging) for some relaxation time.
Mike has been mentioning babies. A lot. Too much. And when I shut that idea down he starts mentioning puppies. He even goes as far to offer a new kitten. Which he has been denying me for a few years.
I am frightened of having children. For multiple reasons. First, I just feel like I'm too young. That having a child makes me old. Not that I think other people who have children are old, but I guess I'm scared. Terrified actually, of how my life will change. I feel like I'm at a constant struggle to keep up with life now, how will I be able to keep if I add another thing to my never ending list of things that keep me busy. I'm sure I'll adapt and survive, possibly even thrive as a mother, but I can't just hope. I have to have some kind of confirmation. And it still hasn't happened yet. I know you are never 100% ready to have children so I'm not waiting for that, but I just don't want to be irresponsible either.
There are other reasons as well that I am scared, but they are more personal and I do not feel comfortable sharing with the possibility of anyone reading. So I will end there.
The day will come when I will be ok with this. I truly want children of my own and I get all mushy and teary eyed watching shows or commercials on the topics of families with newborns, but when I bring myself into real life I can't envision it. Maybe that's the problem. I can't envision myself as a mother. I just wish I knew when the right time was.

Missing Person

-WARNING-

The following blog is a sappy, pathetic little thought process. Read at your own risk.

"It is a great gift when others trust you enough to convey information with which you could hurt them, for they took that into consideration before telling you."
I've noticed a difference lately in how I develop friendships. When I was younger, maybe even until about a few years ago, I was always open in close friendships. Anyone I felt close to I would tell my share all with. There was nothing hidden.

But that has changed.

I only share my real true feelings with few. And when I say few I mean Mike. I must drive him crazy unloading on him the way I do.

At the risk of sounding emo/pathetic/or any other negative descriptor, I don't think anyone else truly wants to listen. I'm scared no one can understand. I'm frightened of sympathetic statements that only make me feel worse about myself. I'm terrified of someone knowing the real me and not liking me. I'm horrified that the person I put my trust in won't put the same trust in me.

I've been burned a few times. I put myself out there to a few people other than Mike in the past few years. Currently I don't feel I can confide in any of them again. Not until they show that they have the same trust in me. I have a problem with making myself vulnerable to a person who insists on wearing their full armor. Frankly, I'm tired of the feeling. And I had made an unconcious agreement with myself that I would not make myself vulnerable to someone until they first made themselves vulnerable to me. I had not thought about it conciously until I read the above quote.

I've complained to Mike many times about not having friends, and he ever so kindly points out that I have a lot. And it's true. I have many friends, many people that are an important to my life. But I want that one friend other than Mike, that is willing to put themselves out there to me. Willing to let me see their imperfections and trust that I will love them just the same. I'm not sure if I will ever find that. But I have much of my life ahead of me. There's still hope.

Household Items

Everyday I realize that I am missing another semi-necessary household item.
Because I never keep a list I always forget what I need.
So, I'm starting the list here.



- pans (got plenty of pots and not enough pans)

- iron

- ironing board

- coffee pot (for Mike I dislike coffee)

- hand mixer

- sewing kit
- cupcake pan
- loaf pan

Weekend Let Downs

Disappointment.
It's a terrible emotion. It probably is somewhere near the lowest rung of the emotional ladder. I felt it an unwanted number of times this weekend. Friday, Saturday and by by midday Sunday I could've squeezed big wet drops out of my eyes. Yet, I held back. Even though I was surrounded by a sea of disappointment at least my feet were on dry land. Why add to the sea with my tears.

Without disappointment would we understand satisfaction? Would we truly grasp the understanding of happiness?

Family of Strangers

My grandpa [mother's father] is in the hospital.

I went and visited him last night with my mom. I prepared myself for the worst. I knew he was in the ICU and unconscious [I later found out that he was sedated and not comatose, which made me feel better]. As expected he had an overwhelming amount of machines surrounding him and tubes inserted and taped all over his body.

Preparing myself for the visit I was unsure of how I would react. My grandpa is Korean and neither him nor I ever learned enough of each other's language to converse. All I really know of him is that cheesy smile he gets when I say hi and the pat-pat hugs he gives me. Since we weren't close I didn't think I would cry unless he looked to be writhing in pain. When we went in the room he looked peaceful so I thought I avoided the crying bit. Then the nurse came into the office to do a routine check up.

The last thing the nurse did was clean out my grandpa's mouth. My grandpa could feel it and did not like it. He kept making an unpleasant face, the most he could do to show discomfort due to the sedation. Once the nurse was done my mom went over and stood next to him. After looking at him briefly she asked me for a tissue. I gave her one and then she dabbed the tissue in the corners of my grandpa's eyes.

He had tears.

That's when I broke. Even though I've never been close with my grandpa I suddenly felt a connection. I'm sure I would've had the same reaction if it was a complete stranger, but regardless in that moment I felt a bond with my grandpa that I never felt before. I can't explain it and I don't know how long this bond will last, but for one bittersweet bipolar moment I felt that we belonged to the same family.

Brain Block

I admit, I am a bit of a hypochondriac. Many symptoms that make me aware of their presence are given many hours of research on Google & WebMD followed by the conclusion that if the symptom does not go away in 24hrs I will be making an appointment the next day. Only once have I had to follow through with the latter half.
Yes, symptoms worry me. Early detection is the name of my game.
What bothers me is that every symptom that is discovered by mothers leads to "Are you pregnant?"
My brain is tired of going through the checklist to assure myself that I am not. Thus my brain's friends, L-ear and R-ear, have decided to tightly secure all entry ways to brain's residence. The sign on the door reads as follows:

Appointment required for all auditory insanity.

Brain reserves the right to refuse service to anyone.

That's right. I'm not listening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you want to give someone scary baby nightmares please go elsewhere. Thank you.*

______________________________________
Obama has won.
My thoughts on that are summed up in one verse:

"Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God." Romans 13:1

*Please note I am not saying that being pregnant or having a baby would be a nightmare, but as of right now it is not my plan. So please don't cause me to worry excessively for something that I am currently working to prevent. I love babies, and want one. Just not right now.

Vote for Ice Cream

Out of all the "vote & get free stuff" promotions the following appeals to me most!

Unfortuantely... the only one close enough would cost me gas +$4 because of the toll to cross the bridge... To say the least I'm bummed.

While browsing the Ben & Jerry's Website, I stumbled upon a flavor of ice cream I never knew about:

It sounds incredibly delectable! Buy it for me and you will be my best friend... well for as long as the pint lasts.

Holiday Fever

For the first time in my 24 years of life, I am looking forward to Christmas.

Growing up holidays were not a big deal in my family. The only thing I celebrated during the holidays were school breaks and bloated tummies.

I remember the first year my parents bought me Christmas presents. I believe it was 4th grade. They didn't ask us to create christmas lists, or buy us secret gifts based on their instinctual knowledge of their children. Instead my parents took us over to the local Bible book store and let us pick out some items that would be dubbed our "christmas gifts". We didn't even have a Christmas tree until I was in the 9th grade and even then it was a fake tree that my sister and I decorated with lacklustre ornaments from the local dollar store.

The only tradition we had was the food that we ate.

Thus I never developed any heartwarming attachments to the holiday known as Christmas to me it was the same as Thanksgiving only it commemorating a different historical event.

When I got married, Mike made it mission critical that he change my lack of enthusiasm for the holiday. And as my opening statement shows, it has worked. It is quite strange for me to feel this excitement, but I can't say that I mind. We started putting away money from every paycheck for Christmas gifts, so it should be a little easier on the pocket this year, which is always nice. I'm excited to start creating traditions now that we will do with our children in the years to come. And hopefully my children will understand the meaning of the holiday as well as enjoy the excitement at this time of the year.

The Big Comfy Bus

I ride the bus to work. I loathe driving and I find riding the bus a convenient [and cheap!] substitution. Though there are sometimes other riders who frighten me and my work day is controlled by a bus schedule, I find an odd comfort in the seats of the large metal box on wheels.

Just a slight bit more odd is my desire to share this experience with Mike. Every time Mike and I plan on going somewhere that is a bit of a distance, I try to find a way to ride the bus. It never ends up happening. Either I decided it would be too inconvenient for what our plans are or Mike refuses to do so. Mike rode the bus most of his teenage years and was thrilled once he got a car and license so that he could escape the prison on wheels, therefore I understand his unwillingness.

Last Thursday I left my monthly bus pass on the bus [luckily the bus driver found it and turned it in to lost & found] instead of immediately thinking "well I guess I'll just drive to work tomorrow" I began counting my change to make sure I had enough for a round trip. This got me considering why I enjoy riding the bus so much. After much thought and consideration I decided it is because I find comfort in schedules/routine.

Overall as a human beings I believe we all are creatures of habit. But I go beyond creature of habit, I am statue of habit. I find change repulsing. I even have a hard time dealing with good changes, i.e. marriage, new car, moving to my new house, etc. Not only is riding the bus part of my routine, but I find comfort in its schedule.

I always think its interesting to be able to understand myself better, and I just thought I'd share.

Vera Green

Please meet my office plant. Her name is Vera.

Vera is a great model

I am saddened for Vera, because I must admit I am terrible at caring for her. In the few years that she has been with me I have lost 2 other office plants to tragic untimely deaths. When Vera and her two companions (may the rest in peace) were entrusted to my care I knew little about plants. Unfortunately, no care instructions were left with the either. All three plants were alive and growing. The only blip of information I got as to caring for them was to be sure NOT to overwater. Me lacking the characteristic traits of mother nature took that to the extreme and soon it became apparent that I needed to be more careful of not UNDER-watering my dear plants.

Her brown spots have been highlighted

With the unfortunate passing of my other two plants I have decided to nurse Vera back to health *crosses figners*. For the past 3 weeks I have been sure to water her once a week. I hope that soon the depressing brown spots will fade and she will be green with life all through out her plant body. Being the sole survivor of my terrible flash course on plant care, the best thing I can do is make an attempt at giving her a real chance at life. Hopefully this intentional care with be enough to help her thrive.

If anybody has any tips they would like to share with me please do!

I'm gonna be a mommy!

*gasp*

No I'm not pregnant. I've just finally came to a decision on when I am going to start having kids. Unfortunately, I will not be sharing said date (yes, I have specified date) in order to keep the suspense in the Huntsman saga. The pressure has been laid on us strong to start reproducing little Mike & Isabel replicas, but I am proud to say that I have not succumb to any of those demands. This decision is one that Mike and I have made solely on our own without influence of the many overbearing voices in our lives. And that's the way I like it. I want the decision to be one that we make to be because we wanted it (and I thought peer pressure ended with high school).

Though I can't guarantee that I will not end up pregnant before my decision date [I hate that .1% chance], I hope that I will be confidently able to say to my child that we planned to have her/him and not the opposite.

Being a mom will be an interesting turn in my life, but I think I will enjoy it.

The only thing I still need to figure out is how I'm going to being a full time mom/wife/employee. It's already hard just assuming the role of full time wife/employee add mother to the mix and I'm sure my mind will be obliterated under the obligations. I'm not exactly sure what I want either. I find it relaxing and enjoyable to stay at home on my days off and clean and I actually feel quite productive, but that's just 1 day a week, I don't know that I will have much to do if I stay home 7 days a week. I'm sure it will be a different story once I have child rear, but right now solely being a housewife doesn't appeal to me. But I'm not exactly a go-get-em carrer gal either. I work because I have to.

You see, the way our life is set-up now we need 2 incomes to live. We wouldn't be able to afford our house payment without my income and the same for Mike's. I know there are many women out there who work full time and are mothers but I'm not sure if I'm part of that group. I'll do it, I'll find a way, because as it looks right now that's just the way its gonna be and I have to learn to deal with it. Unfortunately, I think I will have a few breakdowns before I completely learn to handle it.

For example last night I had a semi-breakdown. My house was atrociously messy I had just got done cooking and started washing dishes when Mike arrived at home. He had gone out to meet an old co-worker for some catch up time. When we put his arms around me in appreciation of a good smelling meal and offered to take over the dishes, the floodgates broke. I was balling and ranting about how messy the house is and how I can't handle all working/cooking/cleaning all by myself. Mike apologized for not helping me keep up with the clutter the past week and immediately took over the dishes. He tried to sit me down in front of the TV so I would stop doing things but I had an errand to run. He sent me on my way, and when I arrived at home it was in decent condition. I definitely would not say it was clean, but I wouldn't feel ashamed of my house if someone stopped by unexpectedly and it's only a good hour away from being "clean".

I'm glad that Mike doesn't expect me to take care of the house on my own. We definitely wouldn't be happy. I just wish we could afford to get a maid. But yet, the idea of someone I don't know cleaning my house is a little eerie.

I would love some tips on how to change my template. I don't particularly like any of the bland ones that blogger offers. Thanks!