Round and Round

Wow, I thought I would have some down time in December.... I was wrong!
I can't believe we are only 7 days away from Christmas! Maybe things will slow down for me the 2nd half of the month. My fingers will be crossed in spirit (because they will actually be busy doing other things, i.e. wrapping Christmas gifts, cooking and blogging) for some relaxation time.
Mike has been mentioning babies. A lot. Too much. And when I shut that idea down he starts mentioning puppies. He even goes as far to offer a new kitten. Which he has been denying me for a few years.
I am frightened of having children. For multiple reasons. First, I just feel like I'm too young. That having a child makes me old. Not that I think other people who have children are old, but I guess I'm scared. Terrified actually, of how my life will change. I feel like I'm at a constant struggle to keep up with life now, how will I be able to keep if I add another thing to my never ending list of things that keep me busy. I'm sure I'll adapt and survive, possibly even thrive as a mother, but I can't just hope. I have to have some kind of confirmation. And it still hasn't happened yet. I know you are never 100% ready to have children so I'm not waiting for that, but I just don't want to be irresponsible either.
There are other reasons as well that I am scared, but they are more personal and I do not feel comfortable sharing with the possibility of anyone reading. So I will end there.
The day will come when I will be ok with this. I truly want children of my own and I get all mushy and teary eyed watching shows or commercials on the topics of families with newborns, but when I bring myself into real life I can't envision it. Maybe that's the problem. I can't envision myself as a mother. I just wish I knew when the right time was.

Missing Person

-WARNING-

The following blog is a sappy, pathetic little thought process. Read at your own risk.

"It is a great gift when others trust you enough to convey information with which you could hurt them, for they took that into consideration before telling you."
I've noticed a difference lately in how I develop friendships. When I was younger, maybe even until about a few years ago, I was always open in close friendships. Anyone I felt close to I would tell my share all with. There was nothing hidden.

But that has changed.

I only share my real true feelings with few. And when I say few I mean Mike. I must drive him crazy unloading on him the way I do.

At the risk of sounding emo/pathetic/or any other negative descriptor, I don't think anyone else truly wants to listen. I'm scared no one can understand. I'm frightened of sympathetic statements that only make me feel worse about myself. I'm terrified of someone knowing the real me and not liking me. I'm horrified that the person I put my trust in won't put the same trust in me.

I've been burned a few times. I put myself out there to a few people other than Mike in the past few years. Currently I don't feel I can confide in any of them again. Not until they show that they have the same trust in me. I have a problem with making myself vulnerable to a person who insists on wearing their full armor. Frankly, I'm tired of the feeling. And I had made an unconcious agreement with myself that I would not make myself vulnerable to someone until they first made themselves vulnerable to me. I had not thought about it conciously until I read the above quote.

I've complained to Mike many times about not having friends, and he ever so kindly points out that I have a lot. And it's true. I have many friends, many people that are an important to my life. But I want that one friend other than Mike, that is willing to put themselves out there to me. Willing to let me see their imperfections and trust that I will love them just the same. I'm not sure if I will ever find that. But I have much of my life ahead of me. There's still hope.