Missing Person

-WARNING-

The following blog is a sappy, pathetic little thought process. Read at your own risk.

"It is a great gift when others trust you enough to convey information with which you could hurt them, for they took that into consideration before telling you."
I've noticed a difference lately in how I develop friendships. When I was younger, maybe even until about a few years ago, I was always open in close friendships. Anyone I felt close to I would tell my share all with. There was nothing hidden.

But that has changed.

I only share my real true feelings with few. And when I say few I mean Mike. I must drive him crazy unloading on him the way I do.

At the risk of sounding emo/pathetic/or any other negative descriptor, I don't think anyone else truly wants to listen. I'm scared no one can understand. I'm frightened of sympathetic statements that only make me feel worse about myself. I'm terrified of someone knowing the real me and not liking me. I'm horrified that the person I put my trust in won't put the same trust in me.

I've been burned a few times. I put myself out there to a few people other than Mike in the past few years. Currently I don't feel I can confide in any of them again. Not until they show that they have the same trust in me. I have a problem with making myself vulnerable to a person who insists on wearing their full armor. Frankly, I'm tired of the feeling. And I had made an unconcious agreement with myself that I would not make myself vulnerable to someone until they first made themselves vulnerable to me. I had not thought about it conciously until I read the above quote.

I've complained to Mike many times about not having friends, and he ever so kindly points out that I have a lot. And it's true. I have many friends, many people that are an important to my life. But I want that one friend other than Mike, that is willing to put themselves out there to me. Willing to let me see their imperfections and trust that I will love them just the same. I'm not sure if I will ever find that. But I have much of my life ahead of me. There's still hope.