A Still Moment

A haunting picture from my past has spurred thoughts on of regret and progression. I looked at the picture daunted. I didn't recall that particular moment in my life and rightly so. It was not a thrilling nor glorious moment, but now looking back I am ashamed of that moment. Memories of moments that I now would scoff at the thought of acting upon trickle back like Chinese torture. Many people say "I have no regrets," when speaking of former life choices and decisions. And up until this point I have thought the same. I cruelly led myself to believe that I am where I am today because each decision I made brought me here. But I can't escape the urge ponder that maybe if I made a different decisions on the little things in life that I would be somewhere farther than where I am now.

Don't mistake this statement as a profession that I am unhappy with my life. I could not be happier, but I could be better. I am imperfect and I have come to accept the fact that I will always be so. Does not mean I give up on reaching for a higher goal. I'm always pushing myself sometimes to my detriment, but I know that I have come a quite a distance from before because of it.

Though the physical attributes of the girl in the picture resembled a past me, I found myself struggling to find a connection with her. I no longer think the way she thought, I no longer feel the way she felt. It was hard for me to understand the process that led up to that brief still moment captured without forethought. I can't relate to her. That is no longer me.

And that I am okay with. I'm not exactly proud of all my actions. And I'm sure in hindsight and foresight I will not be proud of all the things I do today, tomorrow or yesteryear. But I am comforted by the knowledge of how I have changed from that moment. The struggles she dealt with I have transformed into beautiful hills that add to the landscape of my life.

Do I have regrets?
Yes.

If I could would I go back in life and change some things?
In a heart beat.

Would those changes alter the course of my future forever?
Probably.

Can I change them?
No.

So I have to accept that who I was then is not who I am today. And I hope that 10 years from now my future self can look back and say the same, hopefully with a lot less shame.